Maryland McCo-Op

Imagine a place where you can get a pound of the primo vanilla almond crunch granola and a quarter pounder with cheese, a falafel sandwich with a side of fries, vegan oatmeal cookies and veal. When the McDonald's/Maryland Food Co-Op merger is completed, this place will satisfy the health-conscious fast food connoisseur .

The Maryland Food Co-Op has existed for over three decades as a counter-culture eating lifestyle purveyor. They stock the shelves with vegan and vegetarian foods, drinks, beverages, and some turkey just in case. They're known for being a cheap lunch-time option, uncrowded, and kinda pretentious. They hang huge banners screaming "No Credit Cards For Life!" and "Food For People, Not for Profit". This is absurd. Ideas can't feed stomachs. But corporate America can. This is where Mcdonald's steps in.

Making the move from the food court, McDonald's has agreed to sponsor the Co-Op, while making some changes. Under the new slogan "Food For People?...I'm Lovin It", consumers can pick up DVDs, milkshakes, and prunes with their Visa or Mastercard. A happly meal for the kids includes a bag of roasted nuts, sprouts, and a toy car from Disney/Pixar's hit "Cars". The new restaurant is expected to bring in new crowds and more money, partly because employees still have to work for free. Also, instead of playing obscure indie groups, staff must play McDonald's approved songs, including the "I'm lovin it" jingle on repeat and Europe's "The Final Countdown".

But why the sponsorship, why sell out to the man after 30 years of self-determination? Co-op volunteer Charith Stillwaters claims that this move had precedence. "Back in 2000" he claims, "sales were down so they started slipping bits of ground beef into the food, you know, to get people used to the meat. By 2004 the falafel was half chick peas, half cow."

An agressive ad campaign is slated to arrive, and a plan is in the works to get a drive-through lane in the Student Union. While these plans seem drastic and alienating to most, McDonald's VP Broderick Swansonstuck claims this is just the tip of the iceberg. "We've considered, "he states, "purchasing the whole school; think McDonalds Presents The University of Mcd...er i mean, Maryland."