The Most Dangerous Campus in the World?....Tribute

Maryland is the best and greatest state in the best and greatest nation in the world...America. Therefore, the University of Maryland must be the best and greatest school in the world. Yet recently there's been some hubbub (sp?) about crime, specifically UMD being named the most dangerous campus ever. What? How does that make sense, surely there's worse schools out there somewhere...

Like Rochester for example. I hear that it's literally a war zone there, and you need covering fire to make it to your class. Women walk around with knives and guns to fend off the countless advances of strange men in the streets. The sound of sirens of ambulances and police cars endlessly fills the air, the only recognizable aspect of humanity in a city that now exists as an utterly desolate wasteland. Plus its freezing up there. Thats gotta count for something. I know I'd rather be robbed once in a while and live in a temperate zone rather than fending for my life in the tundra.

The University of Southeast D.C.: This small school could perhaps be worse than Maryland. One thing that makes this school so dangerous is a ritual where a freshman is kidnapped, stripped down except for his boxers and wallet, and left in the streets. If he makes it home in the morning he earns the respect of his peers and professors. What's more, the school only accpets drug money for tuition...so there's that whole thing.



University of Mexico City -Community College Polytechnical Institute Of New Jersey...At Camden
I hear, from a friend that goes there, that the rule as a freshman is kill or be killed. The first day you have to establish your dominance. In a school that's more like a prison that a school, people can be bought and sold with cigarettes, rival gangs ravage the school, and shivs abound. Professor/wardens alternate between teaching and policing the danger zones. This campus looks like a real life representation of Grand Theft Auto. Clearly, worse off than Maryland.

Maryland McCo-Op

Imagine a place where you can get a pound of the primo vanilla almond crunch granola and a quarter pounder with cheese, a falafel sandwich with a side of fries, vegan oatmeal cookies and veal. When the McDonald's/Maryland Food Co-Op merger is completed, this place will satisfy the health-conscious fast food connoisseur .

The Maryland Food Co-Op has existed for over three decades as a counter-culture eating lifestyle purveyor. They stock the shelves with vegan and vegetarian foods, drinks, beverages, and some turkey just in case. They're known for being a cheap lunch-time option, uncrowded, and kinda pretentious. They hang huge banners screaming "No Credit Cards For Life!" and "Food For People, Not for Profit". This is absurd. Ideas can't feed stomachs. But corporate America can. This is where Mcdonald's steps in.

Making the move from the food court, McDonald's has agreed to sponsor the Co-Op, while making some changes. Under the new slogan "Food For People?...I'm Lovin It", consumers can pick up DVDs, milkshakes, and prunes with their Visa or Mastercard. A happly meal for the kids includes a bag of roasted nuts, sprouts, and a toy car from Disney/Pixar's hit "Cars". The new restaurant is expected to bring in new crowds and more money, partly because employees still have to work for free. Also, instead of playing obscure indie groups, staff must play McDonald's approved songs, including the "I'm lovin it" jingle on repeat and Europe's "The Final Countdown".

But why the sponsorship, why sell out to the man after 30 years of self-determination? Co-op volunteer Charith Stillwaters claims that this move had precedence. "Back in 2000" he claims, "sales were down so they started slipping bits of ground beef into the food, you know, to get people used to the meat. By 2004 the falafel was half chick peas, half cow."

An agressive ad campaign is slated to arrive, and a plan is in the works to get a drive-through lane in the Student Union. While these plans seem drastic and alienating to most, McDonald's VP Broderick Swansonstuck claims this is just the tip of the iceberg. "We've considered, "he states, "purchasing the whole school; think McDonalds Presents The University of Mcd...er i mean, Maryland."

Introducing, the Experts Panel

Answers to Questions You Were Afraid to Ask...
Kent 3104 proudly presents, the Experts Panel

Today's question:

Dear Expert's Panel,
How often should I do laundry? I am also curious, how many times am I allowed to wear a pair of jeans before it's officially "dirty?"

Thanks.

John Elderbridge,
A concerned college student.



Thanks for your question John. The "when" of doing laundry is something single men have struggled with for thousands of years. Aristotle helped shed some light into the problem with his scientific writings on laundry in 310 BC. The dialogues of cleaning of cloth were revolutionary for their time. He writes: "How can the body taint both an inner tunic and an outer tunic? Does not an outer tunic become tainted from the outside and an inner tunic become tainted from the inside? Therefore, a tainted outer tunic cannot blemish a clean body so long as an inner tunic is provided." The concept of inner and outer clothing helped reveal some fundamental secrets about laundry philosophy that is still widely accepted today.


The next great breakthrough came in 1872 in the wild wild west. Miners in California needed a fabric that could be used, thrown on the ground at night, and then considered clean the following day. Strauss answered the call with what we now know as jeans. Many believe incorrectly that jeans were invented to be able to last in harsh working conditions, but in reality, historians are confident that the innate properties of daily cleanliness, also known as cleanliness-ish played an important role.

Letting history be our guide, the Experts Panel has decided on several guidelines based on limiting factors. A limiting factor is simply the type or class of clothing that needs to be washed while other classes still have clean laundry available. Simply put, limiting factors prevent you from going another day without doing laundry. Examples of legitimate limiting factors include gym/workout shorts, boxers, and socks (but only during extended periods of non-sandal permitting weather). Non limiting factors include jeans, and shirts. Theorists have proposed that if a person did not own more shirts than boxers, t-shirts could potentially be a limiting factor. This has never been observed in nature however, and it is unclear as to whether it is a physically possible situation.

In recent years, the laundry debate continues to rage. Most noticeably is the unanswered question of, is it possible for shoes, the ultimate non-limiting factor, to smell so badly that require washing?

-The Experts Panel

Tribute to a hero

Enough said.

Nathaniel

History of the Botch: An Essay

botch /bach/ (verb): to foul up hopelessly.

Botch. A term first coined by Johanne Grieg, assasin of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, whose death sparked WWI. Grieg was later heard saying, "Wow, I was totally aiming for the driver of that car, he owed me money. I'm a terrible shot; what a botch." The word made its way into the English lexicon after words like debacle and disaster failed to characterize the Nixon administration, Vietnam, and the 80's.

While it is not a "household" term, the word carries a number of uses for various occasions, elegantly summarizing missteps and mistakes. Take a gander:

• Joe Garafalo is one big, walking botch.
• Southern Rap is a rather significant botchful art form, which has boiled down to terrible songs about "moving dem buttcheeeeks", "shaking dat laffy taffy", and "juggling dat rump roast" (I made that last one up, but admit it, you thought it was a real song).
• I once woke Joe up by throwing a 2 foot skeleton toy that dances and plays halloween music in bed with him and turned it on. That may have been a botch. He was pissed.
• In an attempt to capture a rabbit on my bike, i ran through some rough country and ended up taking a spill. Botch.
• My RA put up a bunch of posters about STDs on our hallway walls, and in the middle of them was a blurb on black history month. She botched. (Side note: She also put up some posters about rape on our door. Another botch.)
• Bocce Ball, nuff said.

So in conclusion of this very short essay, which i am going to turn in for my english comp class, the word botch is singularly the most potent and concise way to descibe a terrible action, situation, or person.

Word to your mother,

Scantrooon

P.S. Feel free to post other botches that you have seen or know about, or even times when you botched (there's no need to be ashamed, everyone botches sometimes). Holla!!!

Random Concert Pics

The Elected
Cellist from Jump Little Children
Sam Bush with Yonder Mountain String Band
Kick drum for the Magic Numbers

Welcome the Best and Greatest Blog in the World...tribute

Booyakasha! For the first post on this site, i would like to introduce myself and my cohorts. My name is Keith(left) and i am a music student at UM. My roomate Kevin(middle) is a biochem major and a big fan of music as well. My flatmate Jeaux (pronounced Joe) is a big fan of class and is a seriously dedicated engineering major. Seriously Jeaux, take it easy once in a while, try sleeping in, im really concerned. So, i like many types of music, and do my best to get out and see as many shows as i can, take pictures, illegal audio clips and the like. For some reason, it seems like good bands don't like touring our nation's capital, so when one comes around it's a big deal. So, in no particular order, for entertainment value, here are the top 5 shows I've seen this year:

1. The Decemberistists at the 930 club

2. Bright Eyes w/ Feist and The Magic Numbers at Constitution Hall

3. Jump Little Children at the Funkbox (8x10) in Baltimore

4. Railroad Earth at the Funkbox

5. Feist w/ Jason Collett at the Black Cat

Honorable mention goes out to Mates of State for a highly energetic, extremely tight show, and to the Elected. I wonder if i can post mp3s here without a license or something. That would be nice.